It’s 6am and today is my 10 year anniversary of coming out of the closet. It’s funny to me that at this point in the day, ten years ago, I was also awake and getting ready for class of a very different sort. Instead of making some oatmeal and coffee to eat while writing a paper, I was showering to be ready for my carpool to take me to school for my 7am A-period P.E. class. We had just started social dance, a regular “two weeks before Christmas” event, and my partner on the gym dance floor was Katherine. I’ve never really thought about how the 15 year old me was on a day like the 9th of December, especially in comparison to the person I am today, but it’s interesting to see the similarities instead of the differences.
It has been a tradition of mine to reflect and write on this random of random anniversaries. Each year I note just how much I’ve changed, grown, regressed with regards to my person and my sexuality and looking back over those ramblings, I’m reminded of why this day is an important one to me. Here are snippets from several of these writings:
2002 - “There are people that stick around through out it all and i know all of that’s taken it’s toll on my relationships with them but i guess it just reminds me of that weird saying or whatever it is: “If you hold something back, it’ll just struggle harder to break free.” Brett recently brought up that there was something different about me that he couldn’t quite place, which intrigues me because i kind of thought i was done with the big major shifting annual changes i go through. But, maybe i’m not. Who knows. All i’m confident in is that i’m changing for the better. And the people that stick around for it and don’t kick me out like i probably should be are the ones that are really true friends.”
2003 - “Without invoking all of the baggage this carries, i feel old. I really do. And it’s a good feeling to feel that age, that knowledge that comes with time. Because that’s what i’ve been given this past four years: time. Time to get myself together, time to understand what i needed and what i didn’t, time to interpret everything i have the lucky chance to witness and make positive decisions about my own life and my own destiny (blah, another one of those words…). I know i’ve got a long way to go and i know i’ve got a lot of things to learn and experience. I get all of that. Right now though, i’m just happy to realize what i’ve accomplished and what i’ve gained through myself in these past four years.”
2004 - “I still feel sophmoric, naive and green towards it all. Deaf to the true going on’s of a world i stepped into five years ago. At the same time i don’t think that’s true at all. Part of what i’ve come to celebrate about this day, more then it’s importance to me in my personal history, is that it encourages my individuality. I’m not your cookie cutter gay guy, tan guy, californian, american, human being and i like it that way. I don’t try to defy conventional molds because i don’t care about defying them, it just sort of happens. I’m not perfect and i don’t pretend to be. This day has always been about celebrating me for being me and not just for being gay. That lesson took me a long time to really understand.”
2005 - “I often think of “that” Adric, the one who kept his lonely promise of staying in the closet till after high school. I wonder where i would have gone in life had i kept myself quiet. The friends i would still have and the goals i’d have in life. I’ll think of him and then think of “straight” Adric and laugh because no matter how hard the closeted Adric would have tried, he’d never reach that “straight” place. Which i’m grateful for. As much as being gay comes with its follies and hardships, it’s no different from being straight. The only place it differs is when someone can’t tell the difference between the two and decides not to find out why.”
2006 - “I feel more at peace with myself and i pushed the limits of my gay “identity” within the community and beyond. The most noticeable pushed limit would be my modeling for the Buck Syphilis ad campaign for the SF Health Department which i would have never even considered a few years ago. Through that gig i ended up walking in the SF Pride Parade which was a trip and a half and reminded me that no matter how i feel with regards to my sexuality, there’s an entire group of people who are there to accept it.”
2007 - “What surprises me is how little it matters that eight years have passed because despite all of the change, sometimes i still feel like that awkward gay teenager avoiding eye contact in the halls and loathing (yet enjoying) my enormous secret. For instance, the other day during my last tutoring class, i told the entire class i was gay to explain what i was doing with my final essay. Even though i didn’t care if my classmates, co-workers and (for some of them) friends knew, i still felt that twinge of nervous fear tickling me the entire time before i said it. Was it the environment that caused that or the fact that even after being unabashedly out for eight years i still see my being gay as my secret? *shrugs* I don’t have an answer for that.”
2008 - “From the vantage point of “gay” (whatever that encompasses, your idea’s probably as good as mine) in my life, the biggest development was the Supreme Court ruling in May and Prop. 8. I obviously did not get married (or plan to any time soon) but the issue of marriage finally became something that connected with me on a personal level. Other people have written on the topic in much more eloquent terms so I won’t try to write anything grandiose or mind blowing, but what really struck me so deeply about the ruling in May was how effected I was by it. I’d never given much thought to getting married, to a man or a woman, and had quite pleasantly resigned myself to living with “someone” until we both got old and passed on. I didn’t think institutionalizing the whole thing made any sense for my life and that was totally fine. I found out about the ruling the morning of my last final at DVC and the forty minute bike ride to class is difficult to explain. I found myself crying at several times, soaring through intersections with tears down my cheeks, just overwhelmed. Not by the concept of marriage but by the thought that for the first time I was 100% legally equal in the eyes of my state government. It feels naive to write about now but I really had no idea I was living with such a disadvantage until I wasn’t any longer. Prop. 8’s passage obviously took the legal recognition away but the realization that i have a RIGHT to equal recognition under the law can’t be taken away and it’s really thrilling to finally see that.”
One thing I recognize each and every year is a personal affirmation about being comfortable with myself, about trusting my future and my ability to navigate through it and about coming to terms with everything I can not change. I’m proud to have this mini-tradition to leave as some sort of personal legacy to myself. If nothing else, this means something to me and at 6am I’ll take what I can get.
So what does it feel like to be 10 in gay years? How has my life “in gay” changed in 2009? The only real significant answer to that is that I think I’ve finally found a person that fully understands me and loves me all the same. That seems like it would be redundant but for anyone who knows me (or anyone who knows relationships) that’s a phenomenal accomplishment and one I intend to recognize. I’ve never been so confident in myself, about anything, and this year has been a real sign of the strength I possess when I have faith in my abilities. It feels genuine and mushy all at the same time and I can see the changes on a physical and emotional level. For one, I eat better. Silly, I know, but I feel like a healthier person and I like the way that feels. What I think I’m trying to get to, in a tired and wrap around way, is that I feel like I’ve finally grown up and grown into my sexuality. Instead of scrambling to make sense of it and assert it as strongly as possible it just happens effortlessly. I don’t give it an afterthought and there’s no need to. The 15 year old me would shit himself if he knew this is where I would be ten years later and that makes me feel pretty great. Hokey and great.
Right. A tip of the hat to the last decade and a shake of the foot in anticipation of the next one. I’m ready, complete and confident that it will be better than any of us expect.
(Normally I would make a lame collage of myself up until this year but I think this picture is the best way to sum up this year and this decade. It’s from one of my favorite days, back in March, and it’s one of the few photos I think actually captures the way I see myself:)
